For all you ladies out there, if you want to know one of the things we men fear most, it’s physicals.
Yes, y’all heard me right, physicals. The yearly physical. Since I’m closing in on fifty like an all-you-can-eat buffet diner closes in on the soft serve, it’s time for me to start getting yearly physicals. And with that in mind, I went ahead and got one today, and I survived it, but it’s no walk through the roses, let me tell you for sure. Other than a vasectomy, there’s nothing that pushes the humiliation envelope higher up for men than a complete physical does. In order for all you ladies to better understand our fears, and in the hope of gaining sympathy for men everywhere, this week we’re gonna take the components of the male physical, lay them all out for y’all to see, and then discuss them. After we do that you ladies will better understand our reluctance to get one. As an upfront word of caution, most of you men out there will wince at some of these items, but I think it’s important that you ladies have this once in a lifetime enlightenment opportunity. So, with all that being said, here are the major components of the male physical:
The Weigh-In – If you’ve recently been hitting the Krispy Kremes pretty hard, this is not a good item to begin with. What makes it all the worse is that the scale the doctor typically uses almost always has a big face with large numbers on it, and it is not uncommon for the nurse to weigh you and say, right out loud, “Looks like two hundred and thirty pounds for you, honey.” If you happen to only be five foot five, this can be a tad embarrassing.
The Urine Specimen – Nothing’s all that bad about this per se, except for the fact that you’re not allowed to drink coffee right before the physical which means that all you can have is water that morning. It’s murder on our caffeine addicted bodies, but we have to do it, and it does psychologically prepare us for some of the other sweet experiences coming up…experiences like…
The Interrogation- At this point, your physician approaches you, greets you warmly, and then asks if any of your family members happen to be bed wetters or serial droolers. The ostensible purpose of this is for you to let your doctor know your family’s medical history so that he can treat you better, but it’s still pretty harrowing. If nothing else, it sets you up for the next tender experience, which is…
Hammer Time – For some unknown reason, at this point your doctor will hit you with a hammer all over your knees and ankles. With a metal hammer, I might add. The reason he’ll give you for doing this is that he’s checking your reflexes, but I think it’s really done in order to provide a few moments of laughter for the doctor. Nothing like some humour to settle him down before the “big three” components of the physical, its true main events, which happen to be:
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Drawing blood to run a bunch of other tests.
Modesty forbids me describing any of these items in great detail, especially the first and second ones, but I’ll bet a hundred dollars to a doughnut that most of you men out there who are reading this are suppressing any urge that you might have to cough, and I’ll also bet that your legs are crossed tighter than Jack Benny. These parts of the male physical experience are enough to make you reflect on whether or not you might want to consider taking your chances with the diseases or problems that cause these personal “inspections.” Frankly, I’d rather cut my lawn with my teeth than have to endure them, and just thinking about what all goes on is making my legs hurt as I type this.
So ladies, there you have it, the scoop on one of the male’s greatest fears, the yearly physical. And please don’t give us any static about the demands of giving birth in order to counterbalance this. All of us men appreciate the fact that having kids is a rough, gritty business, but at least you ladies are physically designed to somehow get through it. We men, on the other hand, are ill equipped to deal with some of the invasive horrors inherent in our yearly physicals. And now, as abrupt as it may seem, I have to go as I need to shut down my computer before someone female comes in and reads these last few lines…